Ranting About People
by Ben Dobson

There are few things in life that annoy me than general masses of people. Just last night, I was im line for a performance by Comedy Central comedian Lewis Black (who, I believe, dislikes society's quirks about as much as I do). As I am standing patiently in line, some creep got the idea that he could skip the crowds and form another line closer to the door. And indeed, as he moved, so too did the people in his party. Other people in line saw him moving closer to the front of the line and agreed that he must know something that the rest of us didn't. Actually, he was dead wrong and those of us who were standing where we should have been were right on. But that didn't stop close to 50 people from trying to join the newly created, and completely illegitimate line. What is scariest about this scenario is that 50 people, going against what they knew to be true, decided to follow the other masses, lest they either miss out on being in sooner, or to be different from the rest of the crowd. My friend and I held our ground, and got better seats in the end. So there, ignorant masses!

Meanwhile, let's talk about people who are perfectly literate, yet refuse to let specific warnings or directions seep into their brains. I take you now to the Six Flags New England theme park in New England. There is a great ride in which you get into a big basin which floats on an inner-tube like flotation device, and careens you through a path that is sure to bring you under some waterfalls and maybe even send you over one in the process. As you might have figured out on your own through my description, this is a water ride. When you ride it, you pass under water, water is sprayed at you, waves are created and you get wet. There are dozens of signs posted from the entrance of the ride, through the maze that is the 45-minute-long wait to board it, and again at the loading dock. Those signs specifically say "You will get wet!" and encourage you to remove valuables, and perhaps the wiser among us might even sport a poncho. In fact, as you get closer to actually boarding, you see people getting off the ride, and they are wet. Yet, it never ceases to surprise me that when people get off the ride, they are genuinely upset that they are soaked! They are pissed that they got water on themselves and their clothes. They don't know how it happened, and goddamn it, that just ruined their day. Oh, please get a clue.

Finally, kids. Yes, kids are cute and most are well-intentioned, despite their animalistic tenancies to think only about themselves and their immediate needs 24-hours a day. They haven't been trained yet. Anyway, another thing that still shocks me is how genuinely stupid they believe adults are. For example, think of a kid who is wide awake, yet pretending to be asleep. They will lie there with their eyelids all crunched together to simulate sleep. As if the tighter they squeeze, the more asleep they look. The reality of the situation is that the harder they try, the more obvious they become (not to mention how ridiculous they begin to look). This matter is complicated further when they genuinely believe that fake-snoring helps build a case for themselves. To the contrary, I'm reminded of just how juvenile a child's mind really is. Perhaps earlier-intervention education could help put an end to this nonsense.