George W. Bush Appoints Carp, Chicken Head to Cabinet Posts

	(Washington) May 7, 2001 -- Citing his frustration with existing Environmental Protection Agency chief Christie Todd Whitman, President Bush moved swiftly to eliminate her from his administration. "We ended up with more arsenic in the water than before. Dick Cheney says arsenic is good. But there's a nagging feeling that it isn't," Bush told reporters this afternoon.
		(AP) President Bush is pleased with his most recent cabinet selections.

(AP) President Bush introduces his latest Cabinet appointee to reporters during a press briefing this afternoon.

Apparently, the shuffle was already in the works. Bush introduced his new appointee during the press conference this afternoon. It is a carp from the Hudson River. "The carp, when not gasping for air on land, will swim in our water. It will be able to tell us whether a particular water source is safe to drink from because it will either live or die."

The appointment was met with mixed reviews. Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader said, "I am cautiously optimistic that this appointment could be beneficial for the environmental health of the United States. Perhaps we could put the carp into water from a Brita Water Filter to see if it is actually cleaning the water as it claims to." Environmentalist David T. Suzuki says that the Bush administration is highly misguided in the appointment. "We appreciate that he reached out to us, but this is chilling. It reminds me of the days when coal miners risked a canary's life to determine whether it was safe to enter the mine or not." However, Bush remains optimistic that this will bode well for his ongoing theme of "Compassionate Conservatism."

	Meanwhile, in a related move, Bush appointed a fried chick head to manage the Food and Drug Administration. "When I heard about a severed, fried chicken head in a woman's box of McDonald's chicken wings, I wondered how such an atrocity
	could possibly have happened," Bush told reporters. He added that,	(AP) Bush tries to make his latest Cabinet appointee talk with reporters at a briefing.

"It's highly likely that this chicken head knew what processing mistake happened to get it in this woman's food in the first place, and can tell industry insiders how to prevent such a mishap in the future!" Meat industry executives present for today's press briefing expressed jubilation with the new head of the FDA, citing that its inanimate behavior of late is a good indication of its laissez-faire attitude towards enforcing standing regulations. Both Cabinet appointees must be approved by the Senate.